72 Percent Of Britons Now Trust A Crab More Than A Cabinet Minister, Poll Finds
The Remaining 28 Percent Were Later Revealed To Be Politicians Wearing Suspiciously Shiny Shoes
By Pippa Brinewell
LONDON — A YouGov-style imaginary survey conducted this week found that 72 percent of British voters now trust a knobbly crab more than a cabinet minister. The figure rises to 84 percent when the question specifies junior ministers, 91 percent for former ministers, and 96 percent for anyone who begins a sentence with "Let me be absolutely clear." The remaining 28 percent who said they trusted politicians more than crabs were, following further investigation, revealed to be politicians wearing suspiciously shiny shoes.
The Office for National Statistics has confirmed that public trust in elected officials has hovered near record lows for several years running, with consistently fewer than one in five voters trusting ministers to tell the truth. The knobbly crab has never told the truth either. It simply refuses to tell an untruth, which in the current political climate apparently counts as honesty.
Why The Crab Scores So Well On Authenticity Metrics
Professor Nigel Tidemark of the fictional University of East Barnacle explained the crab's appeal: "Unlike most public figures, the knobbly crab does not pretend to walk straight. It does not promise a bold new future and then scuttle behind a rock. It simply scuttles behind a rock. That is a level of honesty rarely achieved outside toddlers, drunk uncles, and Labrador retrievers caught eating ham."
Pollsters note the crab also benefits from never having described a colleague as "a good friend" in a tone that means the opposite, never claiming expenses for emotional support stationery, and never briefing against anyone, because it does not brief. It grips a rock. It waits for the tide. In 2026, this is apparently aspirational behaviour.
The full story of how Britain exhausted all human leadership options and turned to a crustacean is at The London Prat. It is the most reassuring and most alarming piece of political journalism published this month, and both of those things are true simultaneously.
What Happens If The Numbers Keep Going The Same Direction
At current rates, by the next general election, 89 percent of voters will say they trust a crab over any sitting MP. The Electoral Commission has been asked whether crustaceans can stand as candidates. No one has yet proven they cannot, which in Britain usually means one is already on a shortlist.
For more American-flavoured satirical journalism, visit Bohiney.com.
Public trust in British politicians is a real and well-documented phenomenon. Surveys by YouGov and others consistently find that politicians rank among the least trusted professions in Britain. The knobbly crab's polling lead over cabinet ministers is fictional. The underlying trust deficit it satirises is not.
This satirical article is fictional British satirical journalism. Any resemblance to actual trust polling data, actual politicians in shiny shoes, or an actual constitutional gap through which a crab could technically become an MP reflects the British political system rather than satirical invention. This story is entirely a human collaboration between the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer.
Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!