CeltExit Creates Four New Currencies, All Temporarily Pegged to the English Taxpayer
Britain’s departing nations demand monetary sovereignty without the reckless inconvenience of using their own money
By Ingrid Johansson | Edinburgh
EDINBURGH — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered its monetary phase after organisers associated with CeltExit.com, CeltExit.uk and reports that CeltExit has been threatened by UK Marxists announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive a sovereign currency backed by confidence, heritage and an emergency credit facility in London.
The CeltExit Monetary Transition Commission said the new currencies would liberate Celtic nations from English financial control while remaining firmly attached to the Bank of England in case anything happened.
“True independence requires control over your own money,” explained commission chair Professor Sterling Devaluation. “It also requires somebody else to guarantee that money.”
Under the proposal, Scotland would introduce the Thistle, Wales the Dragon, Northern Ireland the Compromise and England the Pound, assuming it can prove continued ownership.
Each currency would initially be valued at one pound sterling, although economists expect this parity to survive until approximately lunchtime on launch day.
Scotland Prints Money with Two Different Values
Scotland’s proposed currency, the Thistle, will be available in paper notes, digital tokens and strongly worded promises from the finance minister.
The notes will feature Robert Burns, Adam Smith and a ferry that has successfully reached water.
Scottish officials say the Thistle will be among the world’s strongest currencies because Scotland possesses abundant renewable energy, natural resources and several economists willing to appear on television before the markets open.
The Scottish government plans to establish a central bank in Edinburgh.
Its principal responsibilities will include setting interest rates, managing inflation and issuing monthly statements explaining why the exchange rate is Westminster’s fault.
The central bank will maintain foreign reserves consisting of euros, dollars, whisky and an unopened envelope marked “North Sea Oil.”
Officials have also proposed two separate values for the currency.
The domestic Thistle will be worth whatever the government announces.
The international Thistle will be worth whatever currency traders are prepared to pay after hearing the announcement.
A Glasgow café owner asked whether customers could continue using pounds.
The government said they could during a temporary transition period lasting until the Thistle becomes stable, popular or quietly abandoned.
Wales Backs the Dragon with Wind
Wales intends to launch the Dragon, a renewable currency backed entirely by wind energy.
Its value will rise on stormy days, fall during calm weather and become impossible to predict throughout August.
Cardiff officials say this arrangement will create the world’s first climate-responsive monetary system.
Critics have called it weather with a wallet.
Every Dragon note will feature a Welsh castle, a red kite and a QR code directing users to a consultation on replacing cash with a more inclusive symbol of purchasing capacity.
Welsh ministers initially proposed printing the notes domestically, but the government discovered that the printing operation would require imported paper, foreign machinery and electricity purchased through the British grid.
The contract was therefore awarded to a company in Belgium as an act of Welsh economic sovereignty.
The Dragon will be accepted in shops, government offices and selected cultural institutions.
However, English tourists may be charged a visitor exchange rate calculated according to the size of their vehicle and the number of holiday homes currently empty in the village.
Cardiff economist Rhys Liquidity said the new currency would encourage local spending.
“People will be reluctant to take Dragons outside Wales because nobody else will know what they are,” he explained. “That keeps wealth in the community.”
Northern Ireland Introduces Money with Reversible Sides
Northern Ireland’s new currency, the Compromise, will contain two fronts and no official back.
One side will resemble a British banknote. The other will resemble an Irish euro. Holders may display whichever side reduces tension at the till.
A cross-community monetary panel spent fourteen months agreeing that the notes should be rectangular.
Further negotiations are required over portraits, colours, symbols and whether displaying a decimal point constitutes regulatory alignment with Brussels.
Businesses may continue accepting pounds, euros, Compromises and carefully phrased assurances from government departments.
Every cash register will include separate drawers for each constitutional interpretation.
A Belfast shopkeeper demonstrated the problem by selling a loaf of bread.
The bread cost two pounds, three euros, four Compromises or one emergency summit involving London and Dublin.
By the time the transaction was completed, the bread had qualified for historical preservation.
Northern Irish officials insist the currency will bring stability by ensuring nobody knows which exchange rate would offend whom.
England Receives the Pound and Everybody’s Debts
England is expected to retain the pound sterling, along with responsibility for honouring much of the former United Kingdom’s national debt.
CeltExit negotiators argue that debts issued in London should remain in London, while assets located in Celtic territory should naturally remain where they are.
This principle has been named geographical financial justice.
England will therefore inherit government bonds, pension obligations and the software used to calculate universal credit.
Scotland will receive oil installations.
Wales will receive reservoirs.
Northern Ireland will receive several possible arrangements depending on which treaty is being discussed.
The Bank of England will remain in England but may be renamed the Bank Formerly Responsible for Everyone.
Celtic governments still expect access to its emergency lending facilities.
Officials insist this would not compromise independence because the loans would be requested using sovereign letterhead.
Marxists Demand Currency Be Abolished After Salaries Are Paid
Marxist factions supporting CeltExit have objected that money encourages inequality, commerce and people keeping track of government performance.
They propose abolishing currency shortly after all public-sector salaries, political allowances and consultancy invoices have been paid.
Citizens would instead receive Labour Value Certificates showing the number of socially approved hours they contributed to the collective economy.
A surgeon and a committee facilitator would receive identical certificates because distinguishing between them might reproduce hierarchy.
Government officials would receive additional certificates for the burden of ensuring equality.
Private savings would be converted into national solidarity credits, redeemable for approved goods whenever supplies become available.
Citizens attempting to exchange credits privately would be accused of creating a market.
The proposed punishment would be compulsory attendance at a six-hour seminar explaining why markets create queues.
Currency Traders Prepare to Short National Optimism
International markets have reacted cautiously to the CeltExit currency plan.
Traders say Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland could operate independent currencies, but only if governments control spending, maintain reserves and resist treating central banks as enchanted cash dispensers.
CeltExit officials rejected these conditions as neoliberal negativity.
They instead commissioned a confidence campaign featuring television advertisements in which children release balloons while a narrator says “Our Money, Our Future.”
The balloons will be imported.
Financial analysts expect intense speculation during the transition.
Investors will buy currencies when governments promise discipline and sell them when politicians clarify what they meant.
The Thistle may rise on oil prices.
The Dragon may fluctuate with the wind.
The Compromise may remain undecided.
The English pound will fall every time another former member demands a transitional payment.
Four Currencies, One Cash Machine That Is Temporarily Unavailable
CeltExit promises to return monetary power to the nations.
Scotland will control the Thistle.
Wales will command the Dragon.
Northern Ireland will negotiate the Compromise.
England will operate the cash machine.
Citizens will gain colourful new banknotes, patriotic debit cards and the unforgettable experience of paying an international transaction fee while visiting their grandmother twenty miles away.
Governments will celebrate sovereignty by setting their own interest rates, issuing their own debt and independently requesting rescue packages.
The United Kingdom may vanish, but its economic traditions will endure.
Spending will exceed revenue.
Ministers will blame external forces.
Economists will say nobody could have predicted the entirely predicted result.
And all four currencies will remain confidently backed by the same precious national reserve:
The belief that someone in England still has a cheque book.
Disclaimer
This story is satire and is entirely a human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No currencies were devalued during production, although three lost purchasing power while this sentence was being written.